| I'll miss you |
[Mar. 26th, 2007|01:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | I miss you by Aaliyah | ] |
[Chorus]
It's been too long and I'm lost without u
What am I gonna do
Said I been needing you, wanting you
(Said I need you)
Wondering if your the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you
[Verse 1]
Off to college
Yes you went away
Straight from high school
You up and left me
We were close friends
Also lovers
Did everything
For one another
Now your gone and I'm lost without you here now
But I know I gotta live and make it somehow
Come back...to me
Can you...feel me (Calling)
Hear me...calling (For you)
For you...cause it's
[Chorus]
It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do
Said I been needing you, wanting you
Wondering if your the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you
[Verse 2]
Now I'm sitting here
Thinking about you
And the days we used to share
It's driving me crazy
I don't know what to do
I'm just wondering if you still care
I don't wanna let you know
That it's killing me
I know you got another life you gotta concentrate baby
Come back...to me
Can you...feel me (Calling)
Hear me...calling (For you)
For you...cause it's
[Chorus 2x]
It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do
Said I been needing you, wanting you
Wondering if your the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you
[Bridge]
I...can't...breathe...no...more
Since you went away I
Don't really feel like talking
No one here to love me
Baby do you understand me
I can't do or be without you
[Chorus 3x]
It's been too long and I'm lost without you
(Tell me what I'm gonna do)
What am I gonna do
Said I been needing you, wanting you
Wondering if your the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you |
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| Lessons in Life |
[Mar. 26th, 2007|12:59 pm] |
Today I lost a good friend that I've known for seven years now. I met her back in April 2001. We started out as friends and then just after a few days..we started dating. Then we had to break up. After we broke up is when we started being real friends and started being in this so called group of friends online. All through the years we stayed friends while everybody else either stopped talking to us or just got into a fight with us. finally her and I around this time started to tell each other how we felt about each other. I liked her a lot and to this day I still do, but after we officially started going out on April 14th, I cheated her on my ex girlfriend of two years. I think it was because I was scared cause I liked her so much and just wasn't ready for that type of relationship yet. So after that we basically made up after a huge fight, but I still kept talking to my ex, which hurt her badly. Finally I stopped talking to my ex and things were ok with me and her, but still things weren't as good as they were in the beginning. I slowly started to distance myself from her. While I was doing this, she would complain and tell me how she was feeling about it. Me being the dumbass that I am, chose to do something about it, but eventually still pushed her away. It got to the point to where we were arguing about something every single day. To make matters worse, every one month anniversary, something would go wrong or during Christmas eve, we barely talked to each other. I hated when things like that happened..10/10 times it was always my fault. Finally it got to the point to where I was pushing myself from her so much that different guys would try to sweep in and take her away from me. Recently her best friend Kevin as come back into play and this other guy named Brian who she talked to a lot two years ago but stopped talking to him came back and he started to send out his feelings for her. So here I was with her, facing other guys and at the point to where she was confused and didn't know if she wanted to stay with me or go try being with them. Of course I did not try to save this relationship like an idiot and she eventually broke it off with me. Over the weekend I went on a camping trip with my brother and our three buddies. What I really wanted to do this weekend was relax with my buddies and think about what I was doing this whole time with her. But that idea went terribly wrong Friday night. One of my buddies got hold of my lap top and I had these pictures of her that weren't very appropiate but he found it and showed it to all my friends. I told her and she got hurt. Then Saturday night she came up again and my brother gave the buddy who saw it his cell and he called her and left her voice message. that voice message hurt her pretty bad and it pissed me off to the core all night. I was so pissed off that my brother sent her a text message apologizing for the event. But in the end she did not care about that..what she wanted was an apology from me. That apology never came. then yesterday I didn't call her, text message her, or IM her on AIM. Instead I went swimming in my pool with my friends. big mistake..what I should've done was IM her, text message her, or call her and apologized and tried to get her to forgive me and atleast be my friend again. I did not know this..what guy does not know this? Eventually things started to go even worse when I IMed her later in the day really wanting to talk to her and apologize, but instead of saying that just out right, I said I wanted to ask her a question. BIG MISTAKEEE. After words her best friend basically told me to leave her alone and that it was over. I didn't want to believe her and tried (which it was too late to start trying) to get her best friend to let me talk to her and eventually we did talk, but for the first time, I could tell that she was really over me and did not want anything to do with me anymore. Thats when she told me all these things, I seriously don't know if she said those things as the truth or just to hurt me and to get me to leave me alone. If it was the latter, it worked. Now I'm sending here typing about all this and knowing one thing. I'm gonna miss that girl terribly and she knows it. I've learned a huge lesson about life. First lesson..always TRY in life..whether its in a relationship or in work. If I would've tried at all in this relationship and did not start trying when it was too late. She would still be my Mrs. Darcy. But now shes not only going to be a friend who I lost, but also a friend who is gonna be someone else's Mrs. Darcy forever. I don't know if she'll ever think back and try to talk to me again (I highly doubt it now =[). So I thank her and god for teaching me lessons about life and love. Always try no matter what the circumstances are. This is gonna help me a lot when I become a full time filmmaker. Not only that, but I really need to stop relying on everybody else for me to change. I alone need to help myself change. As of right now..as of this second..I'm a changed man. This past year I've learned to be more aggressive in getting the things that you want, I've learned to be more open on how I feel about things with certain people in my life, I've learned the true importance of friendship, and finally I've learned to try. Sigh..this has been a rough year for me, but I think the one person who has really taught me a lot this past year. Without her I would have never figured this all out. Even though this person now hates me with a passion and probably will never talk to me ever again..I thank you. I want you to know that I will miss you and that I will think about you for the rest of my life. I want you to know that I'm truly sorry for the things that I've done to you and I hope you receive the happiness that you seek. I'm truly sure that you will and I'm happy for that. This is my final good bye to you, the one I hate to finally do and the one I wish that I would never have to do. This is the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life. Good bye Kristen Michelle Capler. Thank you for everything that you've done for me and teaching me all these lessons. I dedicate this entry to you. Good bye. |
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| Saturday |
[Jan. 20th, 2007|01:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | rejected | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | domi watching tv | ] |
sighh..today is saturday..so far its been ok. got to talk to kristen even though shes upset. i still love hearing her voice(i like it even when shes a big bitch to me). Thursday i had an interview with the hollywood video store manager for job. honestly i think it went well and hoping i get the job. the chick still hasn't called me back..but i'm not gonna worry to much heh. hrm love...love is a great feeling..its the most amazing and interesting feeling in the world. its so wonderful i cant even explain it. the problem is me though and i can tell the girl that i'm in love with is getting really fed up with me. last night i was supposed to stay up and wake her up at 12:55 so she could go and pick up her dad..but i fell asleep on accident. not only that she thinks i've completely changed and that i'm just an unreliable liar. she never used to think of me in that terms ever. in all the years we've known each other..never until now. i feel like i'm really really losing her. which scares the shit outta me. she gets very angry with me easily and she never seems to be fully happy with me. last year around this time.. i used to day dream about being with her. picturing us together hand in hand and laughing and walkin together. even day dreamed of marrying her and having kids(a lil extreme? yes i know..i was obsessed with her..still am too). for awhile now i've been trying to figure out some things about myself..because to be honest i dont even know who i am anymore and thats fucking bad as anything. i mean i know that i'm not a liar or unreliable. i've been snapping at everybody around me alot more. kristen and I fight constantly and if we're not fighting shes upset at me for something and i just get upset because i hate it when shes upset. its a bad process and makes things awkward between us. she always ends up hanging up on me..which i cant stand and to top it off we both sit there and wait for the other to call back because of our damn pride. lol thats what i think is funny..our pride is so strong(so is our love) and i think thats what is holding us together now..our pride and love. without it i think she would've dumped me along time ago. which sucks to think about, but sadly its true. today i tried to ask her what was her favorite/best memory of us and she refused to tell me because she was upset. hrm i have alot of good memories of us. hah we flirted alott when we were younger and everything was perfect. like now we still sorta act like we used to when we were younger..but we still fight and have our unhappy times. the best memory for me was when i asked her out on april 14, 2006. she was so fucking happy and i was so damn nervous. lol i told missa that i was so damn nervous and i remember missa telling me that kris was like OMG OMG HE JUST ASKED ME OUT WHAT DO I SAY?? OMG MISSA I LOVE HIMMMM AND REALLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM. loll missa was just like GIRL JUST SAY YES. that was a great day for me and i think for her too. even before that i remember on her birthday last year her and i talked while she was in alabama. that was a fun day with her. another good memory is just us talking and ignoring everybody else in the world. we'd be in our own lil world. i called it andy and krissy land(no not really..but thats what i'm calling it now). hrm recently i started downloading digimon season one because i used to lvoe that show as a child and just want to watch it haha. it was going pretty fast now its going slow as anything..oh well. in the spring theres this reality show called "On The Lot" premiering. its being produced by one of my director inspirations Steven Spielberg. its about young directors who compete to become the next big director my submitting short films that they've made and the people are the critics and have to vote which short film is the best and which director deserves to be called the next big director. sounds interesting and it'll help me with my quest into finding out who i am and what kind of director i want to be. i already have an idea though. i want to be the type of director who writes his own screenplays with a partner and i want each of my films to include each of these trademarks of mine: 1. main character is unsure of himself and his life/the events that are unfolding around him 2. always have a strong male supporting character 3. opens movies with some type of body part(mostly hands,eyes, and feet). thats it so far heh. hrm i just realized that her birthday is exactly in one month. hah shes gonna be seventeen years old and that soon shes gonna be eighteen..which means shes getting old(BABY YOU'RE OLD YOU OLD LADY). sighh i just..dont want to see her upset and unhappy anymore. i know that she wont ever actually tell me how she feels because she expects me to figure it out on my own because of her pride and i wont becuase of my pride. in the end i wonder who's pride is stronger..hers or mine. sigh no one is perfect..but even when shes mad or upset or whatever she seems great and i know that shes gotten different..becuase of me. she never used to be able to get angry at me easily..she never seemed like she wasn't happy and she never seemed fed up with me before.i just miss her and it scares the shit outta me because i'm afraid if she breaks up with me..that i'm never gonna have a chance to be with her ever again. knowing me i will want that chance. hrm i asked my mom what kind of person she thought i was..she said that she didn't think that i was a liar or a person who made excuses and that i was a good person because i never cause trouble. hrm i've always had this image in my head on who/what i was gonna be when i grew up. kinda stupid really..but tis true.i even had an image of what kind of father i was gonna be. today..i just feel out of place. out of place with anyone i'm really close too. my family members and the love of my life kristen. even some of my friends. sigh...kristen just said never fully trust with you. what do you do when the one person you truly love says something like that? nothing you can really do but sit there and stare and be silent. i'm graduating high school in a few months or so and i still dont even know who i am. all the images i had in my head seem distant. everyone around me seems distant. i remember one day where kristen was playing monopoly or scrabble with amanda and clarissa and that night she had gotten upset because she thought i was being weird because i was thinking of stuff. i think it was because i felt..rejected by everyone...including her. i can even remember one day when i heard her talk to kevin(lol my unofficial rival of her affection) and when i heard her voice and how she talked to him...once again felt rejected and out of place. to this day hearing her voice like that haunts me. me feeling like this has made a huge affect on our relationship. i've been playing video games alot more and i've been watching Gundam Seed and Robotech to remember old times. i think after i download Digimon..i'm gonna download Gundam Wing or Gundam Seed Destiny. lol sadly i sorta wanna download Sailor Moon. well out of all this..i still have some part of me left? only problem is the one person i want to see that cant/wont see it because of everything thats happened between us. i think sometimes she gets scared that i lost love for her and maybe thats why she seems so unhappy and upset all the time. i dunno..the only thing i do know is that its my fault. hrm..its even gotten to the point where she doesnt even wanna celebrate valentine's day with me. because of something i said about it over the summer...sigh. once again everything is my fault. anyways i think i've said alot this time..this should be ok for the next week hah. |
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| asfasf |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|07:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Kristen singin and music from her car | ] |
hrmm...haven't posted anything for a couple a days sooo decided to post something.
Um yesterday pebbles called and woke me up around 2 i think it was? then we talked for a little bit. she was on the way to the library to study for finals with her friends. afterwards i taught domi how to play on the WII and she got used to it and i started playing with her(shes a good teammate for tennis hah). pebbles called me around 5:30 cause thats when she was done studying and we talked while they went to pinara bread to eat. it was fun messing with her and her friends til pebbles got mad at me(but i got her to stop being mad at me cause i'm sweet like that and shes probably gonna be like !!! when she sees this). finally she came home and since we were both home alone(which usually means good times =D), we talked for a little til matt came home. then my parents came home and i started being all cute to pebbles cause i love herrr and i wanted her to feel special for the rest of the night cause i've been meaning to tell her how i feel about her. anyways then we started watching domino together (which is a weird movie kthx). finally for the night we started talking about our past and she eventually got upset because of something i said and we went to sleep.
this morning i woke up cause of kris calling me and then fell back asleep and kept waking up and falling asleep til 4. it was weird cause i kept having these dreams about movies and filmmaking. i remember one of them was with peter jackson directing like some kind of jurassic park movie and i was one of the characters in the movie and he was directing me and the other characters in this one scene. twas a weird dream mhmm. anyways matt finally got me to get up and domi wanted me to get her Mii's bowling score up to a pro. pebbles called me right afterwards and we started talkin and messin around with each other and she was with clarissa and they were gonna go shopping cause supposedly there was a sale going on. then i got her upset with me again. then i started talkin to matt about WoW and then started talkin to kris and sorta got into a fight with her cause she was still upset. then i took domi home and now i'm sittin here and writing this and talking to my beautiful pebbles whos tryin to annoy me and its not really workin lmao. anyways later i gotta get ready for school tomorrow and i'm mad about that too sucks..
P.S. - i love my mrs right |
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| Great way to start the new year.. |
[Jan. 1st, 2007|11:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | music played in my head and the sound of AJ playing the Wii | ] |
Mmk so this morning i woke up and got out of bed cause my dad came in my room asking me to burn a cd for him. So i had to get up and this was around 2ish? i sat in my bed for a few minutes..then finally decided to get up and go on the computer and check kristen's AM and how close the d/l was to finishing. After that AJ had came over to spend time with us. After awhile dinner was finally ready and we all ate at the table waiting for matt and kel to come. it was fun, we had alot of laughs. Finally Matt and Kel came and kel helped me burn the cd for my dad(i couldn't figure it out cvause the program i usually use isnt on my comp and plus kel's smarter than me hah). during this time kris called me saying that her best friend clarissa wanted to say happy new year to me( we both knew that it was a lie kthx). i talked to her for a lil then she hung up on me(sigh). afterwards i started playing a few games on the Wii with Matt and Kel. i pretty much dominated them in bowling cause i'm the bowling champ son!!! Earlier my parents had said they wanted to go to the movies originally wanting to see Dreamgirls, but AJ and I didn't wanna see that and neither did Matt cause we can't stand musicals. AJ wanted to see Rocky but we all said no. so we finally decided on Blood Diamond(which was really good by the way). while we were watching the movie kris had txted me but i didnt feel it vibrate and then she had called me(thats when i felt it vibrate). i tried to answer but knowing me i accidently hung up on her. i was hoping she'd text me back but instead she sent me a txt saying "wow you're an asshole.go rot". there was nothing i could really do since my phone is temporarily cut off(meaning i can't send calls or txts, but can receive them). so now kris is going crazy and saying stuff like i hate you and i dont want you in my life(sighh). i love her to death and can understand why shes so mad. last night we had gotten into a really bad fight right before we fell asleep. it really came out of nowhere..i mean the night was going great for us til then. my plan for us was to start fresh since its a new year. i was really gonna try hard too( i know she probably would've also). so i think this time she doesn't really wanna be with me at all..i love her but whenever shes mad she refuses to listen to anyone but herself which makes it hard to talk to her and i hate that. i've learned to just let her calm down and then talk to her. so thats what i;m trying to do. i love her so fucking much and i really dont wanna mess this up at all. me being down here and her being up there just makes things harder for me. well this is basically my day sigh..great day right? |
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| life is complicated |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|01:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | determined | ] |
sighh...my life is pretty complicated. It all started a couple of days ago when this special person in my life did something and i handled it the wrong way. if there was a way i could go back in time to rehandle it..i would take it. then yesterday i found out my phone was temporarily cut off (again) and i can't text or call that special person which makes me mad. Don't you hate it when someone texts you and you wanna text them back and try to but then remember that your phone is cut off? i know i do.
hrmm i pretty much spent the day with matt yesterday. first went to pick up kelly then we all went to breakfast. then we went back to the hotel and matt and i took a hour and a half nap (which was really good). then we went to my dad's shop hoping that my mom was there so she can give us some money to get our haircut. Turns out she wasn't there and my family is in some money crisis right now. i dont ever wanna get like that ever. Next we went to the barbershop and chilled there for what like hours, but it was maybe two hours?..it was fun anyways though. then we picked up kelly again and went home and played video games for a lil bit. then i started talking to kris.
hmm love. can you love someone so much that you always end up hurting by them somehow? maybe its cause i wasn't ready for this of relationship and neither was she? i don't know..what i do know is that i love her like i've never loved anything before. i mean she's perfect in every shape and form. I just..can't really express it good. -sigh-..how do you explain to someone that you've hurt so badly that you really and truly love them? i don't even think its possible to do that, but i'm going to try. While i was running this morning i've realized that this is life and it's going to get harder if i make it hard. so i've decided that i'm not going to make it hard anymore and that i'm gonna become the man i'm destined to be. i think i've finally figured this all out. |
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| boredd |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|03:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
Dresses like a grandma: off
Has a nice ass: on
Has big boobs: on
Plays musical instrument: dc
Is shorter than you: dc
Has blue eyes: on
Has green eyes: on
Has brown eyes: on
Has long hair: on
Has med. hair: on
Has short hair: off
Drinks alcohol: dc
Smokes cigs: off
Smokes weed: off
Has blonde hair: on(obviously cause of this one chick)
Has brown hair: on
Has red hair: on
Works out: dc
Smiles: on
Calls you just to say hi: on
Creative: on
Compliments you: on
Shares her food with you: on
Wears jewelry: on
Has bigger feet then you: um i duno
Has smaller feet than you: dc
Smiles when you walk into the room: on
gives you back massages: on
Belly piercing: on
Doesn't party: dc
Likes to party: dc
Wants to party: dc
Laughs a lot: on
Funny: on
Thick: dc
Tattoos: dc
Honest and open: on
Goes to church: dc
Licks lips: on
Hugs From Behind: on |
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